Help me?

I look now through broken eyes.
Who was I?
Who am I now?
I wonder to myself, what the hell happened to me. I don't know what's become of me anymore. I don't know anything anymore. All I want to do is escape and run away... I'm scared...


WATHjafkllakfjdjdl;jkafdkl;fj

fuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

I'm screaming.
I'm drowning..

ignore these words.

I'm scared, I'm running.
Drowning and giving up.
Another drink, another thought.
Fuck it, chug the rest.

Sleep, who needs it?
Not I....not I.

Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore.

im with you.

And suddenly I don't feel like myself.
I'm fading away into the surrounding colors; blending into nothing but nothing.
Search and seize. Fight and fall.

Kings through the ages and fallen knights.
Drain away all remaining victories.
I'm stumbling through a cloud of empty space.

Its only then, however, that I realize this is nothing new.

hello.

I think I need help...

the crows are coming for us.

My options are before me. They hold nothing for me.
1. Drugs; for a restless, uneasy sleep where I'm bound to wake up screaming.
2. Pain; another mark? Like it matters to me anymore.
3. Stay awake; restless, cold, shaking, sickness, numb.
4. Normal sleep; impossible.

Hello memories, painful and sore.
You leave me empty, as I shake on the floor.

I'm trying my best to be strong you see.
I'm doing my best to recover from grief.

The words are the same.
And it ties me in knots.
The souls are different.
But.....

I expect the worse in times like these.
There is no hope for a girl like me.
I was broken beyond two, shattered you see.
With no hope... I only breathe.

sia - breathe me

I feel 15 again; dumb, insecure, annoying, worthless, and pathetic.
The words are clear.
I remember before.
The words are clear.
Like a memory once more.

I swing and fall.
Paralytic on the floor.

Sleep; no.
Food; not for awhile.

"What have you accomplished?" ...nothing, except making myself a fool.

We Are Nothing

I find myself forgotten and alone.
The king has stolen all that I know.
Find a safe place to break the fear.
“I’m searching,” I said.
“But not fast enough my dear.”
The night gets longer with no hope from the stars.
I look at the rats and see this is all we are.

Oldddd

We traveled under skies of the deepest gray, searching for lost ones who have forgotten to pray.
Lost and alone with birds singing songs of death.
I searched for my lost one in hopes of feeling his breath.
From East to West to keep the promises we made.
Your voice is fading from my memories along with your face.
Songs sung around me played straight out of life.
The birds are telling a story.
The birds are telling a story.

11-18-2009; Almost Lover

She stood there in silent disbelief as the man she loved was caressing another woman’s body. She watched as he gently touched her face, and pulled her in closer for a kiss. Just earlier that evening he had told her to meet him so they could see each other. Did he want her to see this as some cruel, heartless way to tell her to leave?
She continues to watch as they're faces barely part for air. The minutes continuously going by as her heart is stabbed through and through. And as the thunderheads roll above her, lightning flashes and he looks through his open window for only a split second. He sees her standing there with the look of horror and the deepest sadness he's ever seen before.
With a sudden realization, he breaks from the other woman and heads for the door. As if in slow motion, the rain starts to pour down all around her. But finally, she stands there no more. She turns on her heel, taking one step after the other, and runs as fast and as far as she can from the sight of ultimate heart break. She's running far, the sound of her heartbeat pounding through her ears. She can barely hear him calling her name; pleading for her to stop.
Nothing could stop her now. Not know of all times. He’s done to many things to the heart that just takes up space in her chest. After what seems like a lifetime she finally reaches a safe haven. Looking back, she notices he isn’t there. She wonders to herself that he probably gave up on her and went back to the other woman. It wouldn’t surprise her in any form at all. As she thinks more about the issue, the rain keeps pouring down. Finding a bench along the water line, she takes a seat. This is her favorite place in this small hell called home.
A few tears shed, a broken heart dead, never ending rain, and she’s finally had enough. She gets up, and turns around but is surprised to find herself looking him in the face. He had just been about to say something, but now he stands there nonchalantly, as if expecting nothing to be wrong. She wants to scream at his innocent look. Wanting to tear it to shreds so he can feel her pain. She stands there waiting for him to say anything at all. Instead he takes a few steps towards her, reaching out with sorrow in his motions. Disgusted by his lack of conscious, she jumps back. Wanting to scream her fury and confusion into his face, she instead stands there as he pleads once more. He tells her he’s sorry and that he loves her. All the while her mind saying he’s just lying again. This time of all times there’s no way she can go back. There is nothing left for her here. So with the last few words, “I’m sorry, but not this time,” she walks past him and heads in the direction for a hope she’s never had before. The sound of his sobs behind her compare nothing to the screams of her heart. But as the rain crashes all around this depressing scene she realizes that she has to keep going.

Should've known.

When my time has come..
How will you remember me?
Will it be something I said?
A way I made you feel?
Will it be something I did?
Something we did together?

I feel insignificant.

Lights Fading.

Knights fall.
The victory in the antagonist's hands.
They always take what isn't theirs.

Puddles of blood.
Scattered memories throughout the town.
They always ruin the best things.

Cities burns.
The scent of burning flesh.
They always take...they always take...

10 seconds.

Scared and paralytic.
Nauseous on the floor.
Fear will torment us all.
Preying on the weak; on the hopeless.
Love doesn't hurt, but the fear of losing it does.

come back....

A strong connection severed by miles.
Waves of fatigue, depression, and loneliness sweep the mind, soul, heart, body.
Hand upon glass; the numbers rapidly growing.
From crowded lanes of headlights to two empty strips.
The road curves and winds;
and in the end I'm left with nothing more than your smile in my mind and your love in my heart.
----
I cannot stand the distance.
I know we can get through this.
I'm just tired of feeling alone.
I wish I could wake up to your smile everyday.
Fall asleep in your arms every night.
.......
I miss you.

Inevitable.

Just breathe.
Close your eyes and just try to remember...
I know you do.
The smell, the feel.. all of it.
Take it all back in.
Let yourself relax and just let your mind escape.

I'm right here with you.
Open your eyes and now look into mine.
Distance is only a number; a figment of our imagination.
I'm right here with you.

I know you're out there...

Somewhere out there...
It's an agonizing feeling... Not being able to know.
But all in good time right?
Right??!

:(

..and the crowd of 10,000 whispered in unison, "I need you so much closer."

pretty damn close...

http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/scorpio.htm

The lights shimmered upon the freshly fallen snow; Untouched and perfect. Breathing in deep for I know it wont be long now. I looked out my window and couldn't see much. The condensation upon the glass had frozen over and looked like crystallized lines. I cleared out the area beneath my window and began anxiously waiting for your arrival.
Twenty minutes had passed when I finally saw your silhouette approaching through the darkness. I opened my window, and pulled up the screen, whispering hello with a small smile. You climbed through as I helped you, making your arrival silent, swift, and untraceable.
I closed up the windows and placed your shoes under my bed. Our routine was flawless and just that, a routine. I could feel the cold radiating off of you. We lied down and I did my best to warm you up. Speaking of trivial facts from the day. I eventually grew sleepy and you as well. I lied my head in the cranny of your neck to get a bit more comfortable. Taking a deep breathe, I realized that you smelt of snow....

Snow... a pure, cleansing

....so i die happy..

Its that time of year again.
Medicate me...so I may lie peacefully.
The days are dark.
They're all the same.
I feel old desires.h
I feel old pain.

Its that time of year again.
I'm scared, but I'm fighting.
I'm fighting, but I have no motive.
I'm beginning to feel numb.
Numb is a safe place to be.
I'm falling forward yet go no where.

I'm alone.
But not entirely.
I love him.
But I'm still scared.

---

I see you walk into my room swishing your long blonde hair.
I look to the other door and your curls are freshly cleaned.
I turn back and you're smiling as you lie upon my bed.
I look further and you're sleeping on my couch.

My life is tainted with what I had and what I've got.
From first to last; beginning to end.
I see my scares and the smoke hovers by.
I can only ask myself...why do I torture myself?
Am I sick? Derranged? Psychotic? Morbid?

---

Sleep....my only safe place.
Stay awake to hear you smile, but I'm still falling.

I love you.

I adore your smile, and am intrigued by your mind.
I've fallen for your thoughts, held captive for this time.
Your hugs hold me secure, and always keep me strong.
Your hands hold my fears, and show them they're wrong.

i love your existence

I find myself dreaming of you.
Wishing to be by your side.
"Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Yes indeed this is so.

Greater than the past. Growing with the future.

You're more than I could have ever hoped for. More than I dreamed existed. I've fallen for you my love.
But please forgive me if I've said too much.

Fast and far, I know not what comes next.
All I know is that ill be alright with you.

morbid creativity.

If I were ever to try again.
To see a form of light before my rightful time.
If I were to ever attempt such horrifying beauty.
An act so painful, selfish, and morbid.
Yet an act so clean, thoughtout, and planned for.

A will prewritten.
My tracks covered.
My mess clean.

There's a tree down younder..
With a view none can beat.
To dine with the dead.
To sway with their mercy.
To hang proud, unbroken.

It would be beautiful.
It could be...
It could be...

Perhaps never.
But maybe someday.
If ever..if I needed it...

This is where.
You would know why.
Perhaps you'd understand.

Or maybe I'm crazy.
Perhaps I'm a nut.
Maybe insane?
Or just the worst little runt.

I hope you smile.
And see what I see.
Maybe you won't.
At least I didn't bleed.

So no more this.
No more that.
Even from the start...
All I've known.
Is I love you with my heart.

See Nothing. Love All.

Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.

--

Joel: [in the house on the beach] I really should go! I've gotta catch my ride.
Clementine: So go.
Joel: I did. I thought maybe you were a nut... but you were exciting.
Clementine: I wish you had stayed.
Joel: I wish I had stayed too. NOW I wish I had stayed. I wish I had done a lot of things. I wish I had... I wish I had stayed. I do.
Clementine: Well I came back downstairs and you were gone!
Joel: I walked out, I walked out the door!
Clementine: Why?
Joel: I don't know. I felt like I was a scared little kid, I was like... it was above my head, I don't know.
Clementine: You were scared?
Joel: Yeah. I thought you knew that about me. I ran back to the bonfire, trying to outrun my humiliation.
Clementine: Was it something I said?
Joel: Yeah, you said "so go." With such disdain, you know?
Clementine: Oh, I'm sorry.
Joel: It's okay.
[Walking Out]
Clementine: Joely? What if you stayed this time?
Joel: I walked out the door. There's no memory left.
Clementine: Come back and make up a good-bye at least. Let's pretend we had one.
[Joel comes back]
Clementine: Bye Joel.
Joel: I love you...
Clementine: Meet me... in Montauk...

--

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

Shout and Scream My Friend

Darkness is but a transition we must all pass through before we may step into the light. Tread fast, and lightly now love. If we rush the process, our eyes wont adjust properly; If we run, we'll never know what it's like to be blind. If we don't feel the ominous cold, we'll never learn how to get warm.

Breathe and let go.
Feel and move on.
Walk away but remember.

I see your beauty, your passion, your light, your dark. I see your smile, and I see your tears. You're human, and you live. You're only a man, and you're just fine. We will fall, and we will hurt. We may dance, and we may shine. Take that step and get ready for you've barely lived at all.

--
Peter: "This is absurd. It's just a dog."

J.M. Barrie: "Just a dog? *Just*?"
[to Porthos]
Mr. Barrie: "Porthos, don't listen!"

[to Peter]
J.M. Barrie: "Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's *just* a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, "He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man", or "That's not a diamond, it's just a rock." Just."

--
J.M. Barrie: "They can see it, you know. You can't go on just pretending."

Sylvia: "Just pretending? You brought pretending into this family, James. You showed us we can change things by simply believing them to be different."

J.M. Barrie: "A lot of things, Sylvia. Not everything."

Sylvia: "But the things that matter. We've pretended for some time now that you're a part of this family, haven't we? You've come to mean so much to us all that now, it doesn't matter if it's true. And even if it isn't true, even if that can never be... I need to go on pretending... until the end... with you."

In the next land.

She picked herself up off the forest floor, pulling her cloak close around her as she did so. The wind picked up, sweeping the lifeless leaves around with it. They spiraled and danced, until they were lying in peace upon the earth again.

Staring at the spot where he once stood, not 3 minutes ago, she couldn't help but still feel his presence around her. She smiled to herself and let her hood fall low. She stepped lithely away from their meeting place, and carried herself onto her next task. She didn't know where she was going, but she knew what she'd have to do once she got there.

*The scene pans out to show her forest green cloak billow through the wind as she walked silently through the trees. The gray skies couldn't break her stride, 'nor the impending weight upon her chest. She continued on, for there was nothing left for her to do.

To Highlight Everything

In honour of my 100 post..
You.

I've never felt so.. alive.
To fall asleep gently, peacefully, with a safe place in mind.
This is right where I want to be.

"Hold this feeling like a newborn, our freedom surging through your veins. You have opened up a new door, so bring on the wind, fire, and rain."
-Missy Higgins

I wouldn't trade any of this for anything.
Please don't let me go.

I believe in your victory.

And there aren't many words to describe how I feel. For all I know is that I just want you here. I feel safe in this dark place of mine, but I'm ready for some different peace,
Some different time.
To let you in, without any regrets.
To trust you completely, wow what a stretch.
I've come a good distance.
And I'm not quite through.
Oh, darling...
All I dream is you.

My "About Me" speech for class...

My dear audience, would you please guide your eyes to this here jar. Take a moment from your busy lives to observe something you probably consider less superior to yourselves.

*count to 10 in head…

You’re probably all wondering, “What’s going on here? This is just a jar.” Exactly, it’s just a jar. But did you see anything inside? Did you wonder whether there were any bugs or other living things? Well to answer you, no. There is nothing inside this ordinary jar other than oxygen. Oh, oxygen. How would you, my dear audience, react if someone waltzed in here and cut off all the air to this room? Probably wouldn’t be such a good thing now would it?

Just because you cannot see it, doesn’t mean it’s not important. Just like ourselves. We can’t see our heart, our soul, our minds, or our personalities, but imagine what you, or the world, would turn out to be like if these things were stripped from us. Probably wouldn’t be such a good thing now would it?

We are all important. No matter what we look like on the outside, we all have similar traits inside. If no one had a heart, soul, mind, or a personality, the world would be so lifeless. It’s just like the oxygen in this very room. We aren’t able to see it, but we need it to survive.

--
Like our traits, and the air we breathe, there are many other things we feel we need for survival.

For me, one of those things is my family.

I was born on October 27th, 1992, to my parents Benjamin Cole, and Ruth Lehman, now known as a Magoon.

Before me, was my brother Matt Cole to the same parents. Not only is he my brother, but he’s my best friend, my right arm, and my partner in crime from all our childhood mischief.

After me came my sister Keegan Sherman. Unfortunately, she has a different mother than Matt and I do, but regardless, I love her to pieces. She is my little baby hippie, and my left arm. She looks up to me for I am her big sister, but in some ways, even though she is younger, I look up to her as well.

I have an extraordinary family, but when looking at myself, I feel rather simple. I don’t have any awesome super powers or talents. I can’t change the world, or save a country. But what I can do for you is be a good friend, and listen.
I read people, and that’s what allows me to listen so easily. I pay attention to your body language when we’re talking. I notice when you’re hiding what you really feel. I pay attention to your eye movements for when your brain is thinking, you don’t control them anymore. I notice when you’re not okay.

My dad is the one who’s taught me to be so perceptive of the things around me. Another influence behind that is the music I choose to let me ears enjoy. Everyone says music is life, but it literally is for me. Music is the only thing that can’t leave you.

I live with an open heart and mind. I try to see all the beauties around me, however there are times when I always think too far into things; when I always end up caring too much about the things that I’m never going to be able to change. I do what I can to always look for a leaf unturned; something more than what we see at first sight.

On a lighter note, not many people know me, and those that do don’t always know my random qualities. I, in the words of my brother’s girlfriends, mum’s boyfriend, am “permanently stoned.” This is due to the fact that I, ladies and gents, have a rock in my head. Yes, it’s true. This is the after effects of a bike accident many years ago. I also, am extremely distracted when I see glitter, or other shiny objects.

I like to sing, and pretend that I know how.

I like to dance, and pretend I know what I’m doing.

I like to draw, and pretend that it’s a work of art.

I wish for love, and hope that it’s worth it.

I wish for faith, and hope that it’s real.

I wish for life, and hope that I live it.

I hope for a future, and wish that I make it.

I hope for another’s trust, and wish that I don’t break it.

I hope for another’s hand, and wish that I don’t lose it.

I’m not one to ever think of the right way to end these things. But what I do know is that everything will eventually come to an end. Whether it’s the daylight we thrive in, the darkness we fear, or even our lives. We may not know exactly when everything will end, but why worry about that now? Instead of worrying, we should spend more time living. Who cares what so and so did last night at a party, or what that crowd is wearing? We are only ourselves and pretty soon, we won’t know each other anymore. I’d rather spend this time enjoying everything around me, rather than wasting this time on trivial things that won’t matter in two weeks. We are nothing more than ourselves. There is no point trying to change, or deny that fact. See it, embrace it, let it go, and now live it.

>.< mow..... 3:

I wish you made an effort to talk to me.
I miss you so much.
Blood is thicker than water.
I hope to God you haven't forgotten this.

We last forever. You can't change a name.

Please don't forget to remember me...

A familiar face, or voice...

Oh how I miss your little giggle.

3: Mow....

My Schedule..

So much shit is going on right now.. I'm just writing, and re-writing this stuff over and over, so I wont forget when something comes up.

17, September 2010 - Football Game vs. Kalamazoo Central

18, September 2010 - Senior Pictures

20, September 2010 - Evening Marching Band Practice

23, September 2010 - IOP Intake with Stars 9:00 am.

24, September 2010 - Football Game vs. Battle Creek Central

24, September 2010 - Going to WMU for the weekend. :D

1,2,3, October 2010 - Renaissance Festival. (not sure which day, and if going yet.)

4, October 2010 - Evening Marching Band Practice

6, October 2010 - Court Date, Getting Sentenced, 9:45 am.

8, October 2010 - Homecoming Parade, 4:30

8, October 2010 - Homecoming Football Game vs. Marshall

11, October 2010 - Evening Marching Band Practice

13, October 2010 - Marching Band Festival @ Battle Creek Central

18, October 2010 - Evening Marching Band Practice

22, October 2010 - Football Game vs. Harper Creek

27, October 2010 - My 18th Birthday :D

30, October 2010 - Halloween Parade


--I do believe that's all I've got at the moment. I know some more things will be added soon, I'm just not sure when they're going to be just yet... So much shit..

Today.... ugh...

Life is never what we expect it to be.
Out of no where everything can change.
Out of no where your whole perspective is different.

Life wont always be fair.
But is it always necessary to take someone down with you?
No. It's not.

Wasted.

"I know how you see me now."

"If only you truly did."


--
Give me a chance, to say these words.
To speak of things unknown to me.
Lying here unashamed in light.
I see you clearly.

Hold tight to the things we love.
Let go the things we hate.
Remember and move on.

More than okay.

Staring into the monitors glow..
Silent tears into a dream of what if's.
"When you smile, even the roses will be jealous.."

You make my heart sing. Dance. Laugh. Jump.
A dream upon wakening...
Fade into nothing...
Disappear into the background...

The night is here.
And we are nothing but shadows against some forgotten woodwork.

I'm falling through once more.

It's as though someone walked through and flipped a switch..
With the departure and arrival quickly following...
My whole day felt like it started falling apart.
Maybe I'm just tired..
Maybe I think too much.
Maybe I care too much..
Fuck..

I don't know.

---

My only wish is to tell you how I feel.
Pull you through this distance and open our hearts.

A simple token...

Just a few small words to end this night as it slowly shifts into another beautiful day...

"I love you more than life itself..."

Random writings.

Many days gone now, and I'm starting to realize how much you meant to me.
I know I said that I was through with this...

I just want to know whether this is just the desire for someone to hold me, or if I really made a mistake in letting you go..

I always knew I would regret this eventually...
I just want someone to care for once...

I say this..
Due to the fact that I discovered that the woman I thought cared for me more than the world...used to treat me like shit when I was younger.. but now that I'm old enough to fight back or remember what goes on.. she's trying to make up for it by being my "friend" or by doing whatever I ask.. part of me wants to hate you..but for now.. I'll just try to forget I ever heard the truth...


---

I miss the way you smile, and the way you said my name.
I miss the way you held my hand, and told me I'd be okay.
I miss the way I knew you cared, and told me forever..

Why did I throw this away?
God...I really do know how to fuck up everything I encounter.

Random Writings.(idk what number i'm on.)

I awoke from a dream and couldn't remember where I was.
Your memory, I had soon discovered how to ignore... until now.

The scent that the wind carries reminds me of our years together and I often am finding myself wanting to cry.
I guess in a sense, this is truly, my first fall without you.. going to be my first birthday, but the most important one..

October 15 is coming up as well...

God.. I thought I had pushed all of this away and I was fine.
It's just this scent...
I'm remembering things that I thought I had forgotten, pushed aside, or just chose not to think about anymore... these were burried, and here they come now...tormenting every ounce of myself...

Why can't I ever catch a break....

I don't know how to do this now...

help...

I know you'll never know.

"I feel like I mean nothing to you.."

"But... I love you."

"And I love you more."

"I love you back..."

"And I love you still.."

"....I'll love you always.."

I need to let this go!

And it's sickening... down to my very core..
How strong this feeling is.
Whenever I see your name.
I try to resist talking to you.
But I'm typing up a message within seconds.


And it's disgusting...
How every time you say you're going to leave...
I want to beg you to stay.


And it's depressing...
How when you said goodnight...
I desire to sleep too...
so it could be as though we were dreaming together...

I do believe, that I shouldn't hope.

And the truth is,
I'll fight till I die.
And the pain is,
It's just my battle.
But the fact is,
I'd always do it again.

And the truth is,
I'm quite in love with you.
And the pain is,
You wouldn't care.
But the fact is,
You'll never know.

And the truth is,
You don't feel the same.
And the pain is,
You only see her.
But the fact is,
I've known all along.

I'll float away into the oceans arms.

And I'll lie here on the floor.
Shaking with what I know wont be anymore.

So many things gone now.
So many things never to be heard.

And I'll pick myself up.
Fear flowing through my makeshift, hand crafted soul.

Recycle what we've got.
Recycle what we've lost.

And I'll forget it ever happened.
Remembering wont be on the agenda tonight.

Let it go, they're walking away.
Let it go, please just stay.

I can feel your sting.

Shaking with fear for I know you're near.
The breakdown of the century ladies and gents.
Four years of suppressed emotion, leaked out by one more thing.
May I please have one more thing go wrong?
It'll be the happy ending to this fucked up nonsense.

The adrenaline is rushing, and my hands are quivering.
I can't stand this anymore.
No friend to truly call my own.
No one to give all that I am to.
Just school, sleep, food, and occasionally family.
Hey, I guess that's all we truly need right?

I feel as though there has to be something more.
There fucking has to be.
If this is all that there is...

To be blunt, I want someone to love, and someone to love me back.
Someone to give two shits about me, whether it's a friend or love.
I know I have true friends, but distance doesn't help when a hug could be helpful, or for a laugh to share.

Every little god damn thing makes me shake.
You know that one breakdown that everyone talks about? The one where no one wants to come close, but everyone wants to know why?
The one with the beauty that's somehow laced in between?
The one that scares the shit outta you, leaves you breathless, hopeless, and paralytic on the floor?
I wish you would come, do your damage, and then leave me where I fall.

wish you were here.

And I'm the type to curl in a ball.
To make my room as cold as possible so I can cuddle with my blankets.
Its a safe, cozy feeling...
Having something wrapped around you.

Strange. I know.
But this is me.
And I will never be more than that.

Nothing Better.

Boy: Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company?
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And i swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together

Girl: I feel I must interject here you're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why i have to leave

So please back away and let me go
Boy: I can't my darling i love you so...

Boy&Girl: Oh, oh

Boy: Tell me am i right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together
Girl: Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

Boy: I know that I have made mistakes and i swear
I'll never wrong you again
Girl: You've got a lure i can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye



-The Postal Service

Search For Burried Treasure.

The sky started out a brilliant blue; mesmerizing every onlooker.
Time began to pass and on my drive home...
The sun lit up the world. The road and sky burned something fierce.
It was majestic yet hell... all in one.

Could it be, this misery will suffice?

"I'm looking at the stars. I hope you see them too. I miss you. I miss you so good."
-Keepsake Summer, "Sleepers Just Don't."


Child breathe deep.
Hold and exhale.
The emotion will pass and leave.
Embrace and remember.
Knowing forever how it feels.


"It takes a lot to phases me. I'm pretty stable and pretty sane. I'm looking at my future and God do I have to lose her?"
-Playradioplay!, "Madi Don't Leave"


Distance will show no fear.
Drives will leave no pain.
Take it away, and breathe today.
Time will tick, so dance today.


"I don't mind where you come from, as long as you come to me. And I don't like illusions, I can't see them clearly. I don't care, no I wouldn't dare to fix the twist in you. You've shown me eventually what you'll do. I don't mind, I don't care, as long as you're here."
-Sick Puppies, "All The Same"


Imperfections define the beauty in you.
Shining through and illuminating the very things I love most.
Please just stay..
Please just say..
Once here, you'll never leave completely.
I'll take you for everything.


"I opened my eyes last night, and saw you in the low light. Walking down by the bay on the shore, staring at the planes that aren't there anymore."
-Owl City, "The Saltwater Room"


Thoughts that I wonder about.
Love? Such a controversial subject that I wish you would partake in.
Sink down like a lost ship at sea.
We're fighting to make it through to the sun.
Seasons will always pass, but time doesn't matter to me.


"I awoke, only to find my lungs empty. And through the night, so it seems I'm not breathing. And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be. And I'm breaking down, I think I'm breaking down."
-City and Colour, "Sleeping Sickness"


Empty heart, empty mind.
Open door, and close the window.
My life with yours.
Save us tonight.

Hello Moon.

The night spiraled and cut me off.
Choke the air and make you squirm.

The sounds echoed through our minds.
Our pulses controlling every motion.

I can't think.

Hover Close; Dance Gently.

I own a glass heart.
Intricate in detail, and shines proudly.
In the dark...
The crystal remains nothing more than a cold piece of rock..
But when filled with another's light, the rock becomes more than just a rock.
The heart glows, shines, and dances it's light onto nearby objects.
Truly, a beautiful sight..

But when the dark comes back...
My heart and I are nothing more than stone..

It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.

While sitting on the back deck of your house, I stared out across the field.
Throughout my mind swirled thoughts of the beauty, and hope this place naturally consisted of.
I wanted nothing more than to stay here forever. But that, I knew, would never be possible.
I walked back inside, and found myself alone.
Thoughts continued to spin through my mind as I lied back down upon your bed.
I wished for a reason to believe.
But none came to mind...

An hour had passed, and I desired someone to talk to.
I opened another door, and saw you lying, peacefully asleep.
I felt that to disturb you would be cruel, so I left.
Another 20 minutes went by, and no longer could I stand it.
Waking you up caused me to feel horrible, but I felt better having someone to talk to.

We talked, laughed, sang, and cleaned.
In my eyes, there could be nothing more enjoyable.. nothing more pleasant.. or lovely....

Finally, it came time to leave.
I did my best to make sure I was last out the door, and as I stood in the entry way, I looked back at you, and handed you a single rose. I had searched everywhere for one. I only hoped you would appreciate it.. or like it.. hang it on your wall perhaps..
But even if you simply threw it away, I would understand.

I may be only myself, and I know it's not much...
I only hope, that perhaps you'll realize someday..
You're not just another nice guy that I've somehow gotten the pleasure of meeting..
You're not just chivalrous, funny, or deeply intricate..
You're my friend.

Shine now; Shine bright.

With a thunderous crash, everything fell apart.
The music stopped, and the dancing ceased.
Everyone looked around, trying to find the source of the commotion.
Nothing was clear..
But it seemed as though the last fairy had fallen.
Beautiful she had been, with golden wings tinted with the effects of a prism.
Her golden hair had hung down to her waist, with eyes the colour of grass.
She glittered, and shined with the passion of a thousand moons.
But now, there she lied...no more..

Fallen into a well, as her heart slowly faded.
The thunderous crash of the last beat echoed through every nearby soul.
The world was never going to be the same again.

As days began to pass, many moved on and forgot that fairies ever existed... all except for one little soul.
She wept for days; mourning over the lost beauties.

Lying in the grass of her neighbors meadow, the clouds decided to finally pass over, and let the moon shine through.
She realized then, as the white light poured into her heart, that she had begun to shine and glow, just like the last fairy had.
Her skin glittered...but her heart remained a glass rock.

mystery and deceit

This was a bad idea from the start.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
But her hand in yours will...
Well will probably b the death of me.

You offered your bed.
I doubt now I'll be able to accept this.
I need to forget.
I need to let this go.

Rainstorms, take me away.

long roads and brown scenery.
Smoke and loud music.
Feel a breeze cross your face.
Enjoy a long drive to a peaceful place.

Smile and breathe.
An emotion full and true.
Almost there now.
Now what do we do?

Arrive and relax.
Dance and laugh.
Feeling completely happy.
This is life.

Red Oak Tree; Carry Our Love

Physical pain,
Medicate and self destruct.
Acoustic melodies drifting through the air.
Forget and breathe.
Live and let go.
The days are all the same.

Waves Crash.

It was numbing at first.
A real crash into what felt like nothing.
But I crawled off the floor, and found my way.
I had to realize, it was just another day.
I had been here before, and I made it through.
I can do this again.
It's what I've got to do.

But only 2 days have passed.
And each consisting of a kind of escape.
They told me I can run as far as I want...
It'll just take me longer to get home..

Where is home?

It's best to not have a heart.

I can't write anymore.
No words will describe what I wish you knew.
But it wouldn't solve anything.
Don't bother reading this.
I hope you don't.
Don't bother to care.
Goodnight.

Thank You.

It's never been this hard to stay calm.
Holding every single last thing in, has never effected me this much.
I never knew this feeling.
A complete, 100% numbness.
Where have you been all my life?
Can't feel; can't breathe; can't dream; can't think..

It's nice.
I don't have to wonder anymore.
I don't have to dream...
Or hope..

It's all over.
It's a strange feeling.
I can't be angry.
I want to scream at the world.
Run and run; fuck going back home, right?
Sure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yvKUn2Yo7Y

Try so hard it hurts to move.
Try so hard it hurts to breathe.
Dreams? No, just nightmares.
Hopes? No, just life.

I feel like I knew all along.

Stab and slice.
Inhaler, where, for God's sake, have I misplaced you?
Hold this in.
It doesn't hurt.
Hold this in.
I'm fine.

Breathe deep, choke it back.
Hold tight, it's just the night.

Fight and die.
Lighter, for for God's sake, have I misplaced you?
Forget it all.
It was just a dream.
Forget it all.
It was never possible.

Hurt so much, Forget to breathe.
Throats closing, it's just your heart.

If only, right?

And I'll say it's okay; but I'm screaming inside.
And I'll simply walk away; but I'm wanting to run back.
And I'll smile and say hello; but I'm wanting to cry.
I just... want you to understand...



A simple call.
Or a simple hello.
Always doing it first; makes me hurt the worst.



I know I'm young.
I know I'm depressed.
Please forgive me.
I wish you the best.

finding happiness

In a small forgotten town.
She lies in her car waiting for someone to stop and see if she's Okay.
The day continued by and not a soul did care.
Here she chose to stay.
A place where no one leaves.
But no one new arrives either.
A safe place to be.

*Insert scream here?*

I can't take this anymore.
I can't do this anymore..
Time to just leave...

Car; here I come....

I knew that my heart wouldn't make it.

The day was eventful. It was pleasant and sweet. But as the sun proceeded to set, the usual thoughts slowly kicked into gear.
"What if she does go...."

"Oh well. You're prettier than she is anyway. And you're not a stuck a bitch"

"But, even if it's not right now, she WAS/maybe is, what he did want. I can't compete to that."

"You don't know that he doesn't want you. He doesn't just hold hands with anyone Missy"

"I know that.. but she was someone that he dated. Which means he saw something in her. She's special to him, in a way that I probably am not and wont be."

I closed the internet browser and lit a smoke. Shaking with fear and loneliness, I slid to the floor, and eventually found myself curled into a ball, crying. Eventually I found the strength and moved to my bed. The nightmares were just beginning, and I wasn't even asleep yet.

I wont be angry..

Search for a cure that doesn't exist.
When reminded of your absence,
The body turns to rust and mold.
And then suddenly you make another appearance.
An addiction,
but someone else is in control of the dosage.
They always said life was unfair.

I need to let this go...

Goodnight.

The night continued in a haze.
I found myself trying to drown out thoughts of you with meaningless shows, music, and conversations.
Nothing worked.
The thought of you.. The memory of your scent, the way your eyes gazed back into mine...

The thoughts were hauntingly beautiful, and I found myself slipping deeper and deeper into a paralyzing fantasy..
It had become nauseating.
It was time for sleep.
Maybe then, I could get a break from the thoughts of what I can not have..

Random Writings. 06 (stupid movie..putting thoughts in my head..)

I dream of a day, when I'll finally meet someone that makes breathing more than just an automatic function..

When someone will love me back, completely, irrevocably, unconditionally, and irrationally.

Being alone is the worst disease..
But it's something that I must go through before I can be okay with anyone else..

I think that waiting period is past due..

I'm tired of going to bed alone.
Of knowing there's no one laying in bed thinking of me.

I wish to be in your mind, in your heart, in your soul.
Knowing that you saved me from everything anyone could imagine being saved from.
Knowing that I was there for you in return...

I'm tired of living with an empty heart.

Honesty and Communication are Key.

And if you choose to walk away,
I wont be angry.
I'll smile and remember the moments we shared, and the laughter that spread between us.

And if you choose to forget this day,
I wont cry.
I'll simple walk away from the fact that I wasn't what you wanted.

And if you choose to forget my name,
I wont be happy.
But I wont be sad.

If you choose these things,
I'll simply accept the fact and let you go.

She Tried To Kill The Baby.

Sun; rising majestically with unbeatable power.
Description: The day starts like none other. A tired, groggy feeling. Hard to breathe. Lethargic and mellow.
As the day progresses, the moods pick up, smiles are shared, laughter. The whole lot of it.

Dusk; A subtle darkness with a mysterious beauty.
Description: Moods either heighten or mellow out.
-Heighten: going to a party, having a girls/boys night out, etccc.
-Mellow: Beginning to relax, or depressing thoughts(?)
The moment can turn either way.

Moon; a glowing spherical orb that captivates it's onlookers.
Description: The night has taken strong clutches upon the town. Many things are possible when given the opportunity to hide in shadows. The nights have the possibility of being the longest night of your life, or so short you wonder what happened. Things can turn many different ways when colours become black and white.

Ghost In A Rain Coat.

The nights get longer,
and your scent grows faint.
This fantasy is engraved in all the wrong ways.
Escape this town,
and escape your eyes.
I need a new reason,
to dream of life.

A Forgotten Town.

I'll walk into your life.
The seasons begin to change.
Our footsteps begin to taint the others life.

Seasons pass and soon were just dreams.
Engraved into the others mind.
A ghost now in your subconscious.

Feel the breeze.
Please don't forget to remember me.
Smile and enjoy this memory.


--OR--

I walked into your life and the seasons had begun to change. Our footsteps started to taint the others life. Seasons passed and soon we were left as only dreams; engraved into the others mind. Only a ghost now in your subconscious. Feel this breeze and please don't forget to remember me. Smile and enjoy your favorite memory.

bring the noise.

Do you feel this?
Yes.
I'm quite sure we do.

Can you hear this?
Yes.
I'm quite sure we do.

The movements are fluid and lucid and they move repeatedly without hesitation. there is no stopping the consistent pulse that is tangible throughout your whole body.

The static induces electrical pulses through our body.
Feel the wave.
Feel the beat.
There is no stopping it.
It's consistent and it keeps going.

The vision is blurry, and the thoughts are strange.
the keys are gone, and the night is long.
the movements never stop.
they keep stringing together like water under oil.

There is no way out.
We were born here.
We grew up here.
This is where we'll die.

The rhythm continues on and we keep dancing to the sound.
sway and blur.
vision and nothing is left.

This is why we live.

A Horrible Story.

She silently walked through the room, looking at everything in around her. Details seemed to be ever so important lately. She carried her piano into the other room so as not to wake up the guest. Upon the floor she sat, staring at the black and white keys.
A strange feeling had been rising inside her slowly, but becoming increasingly unpleasant. Indescribable it was. It wasn't frustration, and it wasn't sadness. 'Nor was it anger or joy. Just a feeling that cut off her air, and left her on the floor choking for life..

After it passed slightly enough for her to fully breathe, she tried playing a melody from the carpet's safe embrace. Nothing beautiful was to be found.

The emotion had come back now, but this time with a vengeance. The tears had begun building up, but nothing would allow them to escape. They never just took their turn unless she was having a good time.
Gently and swiftly, she pulled herself up to her father's bed, where she rolled over and fell into the deepest, dreamless sleep.

She'd had enough..


---
Realization a few hours later.
Said indescribable feeling...
T'was the loneliness of craving a hug bad enough to the point where you feel physical pain.

Pick A Beauty, Watch It Die.

I had found myself 2 water lilies.
But after life threw their shots..

I watched the flowers whither and die.
There is nothing left.

help? No thanks..

Things are hectic to say the least.
The numbness appears to be falling back into place.


I'm going insane...

Search for something felt long ago.
Find nothing after years.
I'm giving up on the concept.
I no longer wish to be a puppet with your lies.

The sky burned fire that night.
Killing off all the remains.
Rain comes the following day.
Washing away all the strings and stains.


Nothing remains when there was nothing in the beginning.

All Because Two People Fell In Love..

Love..
What a strange, fucked up thing that only hurts those in the end.
There is no right or wrong with it's terms.
There is only emotion.

Love..
It contains the power to over throw a country.
It can either make someone stronger..
Or throw them to hell.

Love..
It controls everything around us.
It gives us strength in times of darkness..
Yet creates the darkness we live in.

Love..
How I wish I never felt your wrath..
Leave me now.
I don't want to feel this anymore.

I'm dying.

Random Writings. 05

These are individual thoughts that I cannot seem to add onto..

--It's like willingly letting a piece of you walk away.

--Such a cold rock, similar to our organ of love.

--A poison, a disease, this plague that we choose to endure.

--All because two people fell in love.

--The melody drifts down to my ears; oh such a sweet tune this is.

I watched you choke on me.

My body is failing under this.
So many things wrong with no explanation as to why.
This isn't me.

I feel suffocated; brain damaged.
The movements are routine.
The days start and end the same.

I need a way out of this.

It's not me. I'm not real. I was never born.

Paralyzed with where I'm at.
There is no escape, only what I see.
I feel lost and trapped.
A self induced prison.
Is this all it'll ever be anymore?

Sleep, and breathe.
Nothing more.

There's got to be something else.
Something that makes waking up worth it.

Bleh.

Pass up.
Pass out.
Nights are lone.
Days are alone.

Stand up.
Stand out.
Love is lovely.
Hate is strong.

Sit down.
Stay in.
Dance a little.
Sleep too much.

The Birth and Death of Love..

I can't write anymore.
I can't feel anymore.
Everything is numb.
There is nothing left.

To choose between a fantasy or reality..
What do you do however, when the fantasy feels like reality, and reality feels fake?
How do we distinguish between real and fake?

Fall away now.
A sleep is waiting for my soul.

Dream now, and leave it all behind.

hello darkness.

Turning away for the last time so you say its the last time you know that weve been writing our names into the sky so long and ive wasted my time on such little things when i think of what could be common sense awakens slowly the water is rising ove alone will find a way but we lost it now ive given up wouldnt you we gave it time but you took over youd say we wasted our time i gave you mine you left me nothing since you left home seems further away than when you were here and you see it now what could be but you chose to forget it so forget it and time alone is well enough but i cant forget when i miss this much.

Chasing lights -last winter.

Time's Wasted.

I was living in a bubble, yet the clock continued to count down...
This dream.. it lived, it thrived, yet it continuously broke me down, every time I was alone.

This clock continued.. Even when I wasn't looking.
It spiraled down, and now it's so close to losing all life.

5 days left now...
And all hope is gone.
All faith is shattered...

I tried to save myself in the end, but I'm always left with tears and loneliness...

There is no safe place; When playing with fire and ice.
A constant battle between pretending to be okay, and truly being so.

I don't want to live like this anymore, but I don't know how else to do so.

There is no way out,
...For I..

..Will never be strong enough..

I Wont Utter Another Word.

It's best to keep things to yourself.
For then no one ever has to worry about you.
No one looks down upon you.
And no one thinks you're psychotic.
Everyone may have their own issues.

But..

Sometimes, things are better left unsaid.
At least in my case.

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, and only release things on a "need to know" basis.

I don't want to make my friends worry..
I don't want them to have to keep tabs on me to make sure I'm okay..
If I'm not... I'll say something..

Being alone suits me..
It's what I do best.

Flash A Light.

Down a bottle,
and drop a line.
Come on girl,
it's only nine.

Feel the beat,
it consumes this place.
Feel my heart,
it's starting to race.

Sprial around,
getting dizzy on time.
Swish that dress,
tonight you're mine.

Random Writings. 05

I awoke to a thunderstorm.
It's fierce, angry winds were releasing their energy out upon my house.

I layed in bed and stared out the window.
Such a beautiful sight; Mother Nature when she's upset about something, or just wanting to have some fun. :)

La La La...

I think I did something wrong?
I'm not 100% sure, for I don't know what you meant..
But..

hm..

..Going shopping with Mum today..
..Prolly going to see Forrest..
Yeah..

Time to get around. Peace.

The Only Anesthetic That Makes Me Feel Anything Kills Inside

She said to herself, "No.... I told him no more.. That I would try.."
But the depression spoke back defensively, "You're pathetic. Stop trying to deny this truth to yourself. This is all you have left."

She curled into a ball on the bottom of the bathtub as the hot water ran into her eyes.

As she wiped the mix of salt and fresh water from her eyes, she then reached for her only friend.
The blade was rather dull from the years of use upon materials it wasn't made for, but she didn't care.
Once, twice, five times across.

She clenched her eyes closed and shook violently as the fresh waves of pain and depression swept over her.
"I'll be okay... I'm fine now... At least I can still feel anything...", she repeated in her mind..

After finishing her shower, and after almost completely drying off, she noticed the pool of blood under her left foot.
Sighing with satisfaction, for, due to the morbid part of her creativity, the more blood there was, the better she felt.

She stepped out of the shower, careful not to leak upon the tiled floor, she walked into her room, and proceeded to become creative. The blood left a newly stained mark upon her biggest piece of art.

She finished cleaning up, got around, and proceeded to join some friends in the process of drowning inside a bottle for the rest of the night.

Goodnight.

I need to sleep...

I'm the type to wear my heart on me sleeve.
Oh how I wish it was dead.
Numb and cold like it used to be.
It was so safe...

No fear of no response or rejection.
It's only job was to beat, and be unresponsive.

I hate this feeling...

Random Writings. 04

I don't know what to say anymore, but all I know is that I want someone to talk to..

I hate being alone.
I'm fine throughout the day.
Perfect even.
But once I'm alone, once it's dark..

Everything I fear comes back.
It's as though there is no escape from it.
Night terrors while I'm awake..

Old fears run deep, and the habits just as far.
It's hard to run from something that you cannot control.

Random Writings. 03

My mind is confuddeled..
I can't seem to think of the correct words to describe how I'm feeling.

It's like, a numb sensation, yet I can't even feel that.
I don't know whether I set myself up for this kind of stuff, or if it just happens just to happen..

Being alone, dark room, mellow music.. It's not helping, but nothing else works.

--


I hate being alone...
It's a sickening feeling that causes me physical pain. I don't know 100% how to deal with it, although I know it's inevitable.
Meh...

Goodnight.

Feeling Nothing.

My words are pouring profusely.
I cannot think.
I cannot eat.
Barely breathe.

It's like feeling numb, without feeling anything regardless.

----


Shattered and torn.
A broken porcelain doll.
A million pieces spread upon the gravel.
Dust and glass, broken beyond repair.
A smile lingers amongst an empty eye.
Thoughts are ceased, and nothing remains.

Somebody Knew.

I misplaced my pen, and I swore it was right there. But now it's gone, and there's nothing left.
Another one lies next to me, but it's not right.
It's not the same.
For it isn't my favorite.
I try to search but am still empty handed.

My pen is lost.
Just like me.

Is That Alright?

Misplaced and confused.
I set you somewhere, and now you're gone.
Left, and out of sight.
Afraid and alone.

Directions will only get us so far.
It's like being numb; walking through an empty town.
Nothing left other than ghosts and the memories engraved perfectly into our minds.

Search and search.
Cry and scream.
Nothing can be found in the dark.
Turning on a light will only blind us further.

Catch A Falling Star...

The stars overhead shone with a fire that lit the sky for miles to see. We lied upon towels in the wet grass to get a better view.

Perhaps someday, wishing upon a shooting star will finally be worth it to at least someone..

But wishes are only wishes in themselves.
They breathe, live, and then vanish.
But we keep pouring more and more into them, hoping they become real.

With the controlled fire in front of us creating an eerie glow upon the scenery, we enjoyed the silence and prayed that maybe,
maybe for just once...

A wish would exist.

hello stars.

The ashes fall over us.
Setting the night into a frenzy searching for insecurities.
I wish.
I dream.
Come down and settle the things we wish were real.

You.

It's like a sick feeling.
Every mention of the moments
cause me to stumble and freeze.
Butterflies in my tummy, and a smile on my face.

This feeling is dangerous, and I don't know how to trust it...


Meh...

"You were everything to me, I was begging you please don't go." -TS

small whisper and a small smile.
lights and gowns.
bowing and dancing.

spiral around the crowd of onlookers.
the opinions of those who don't care will never matter.

circle after circle, my hand in yours.
A night of a fairy tale.

Escape only for a little while.

And then we'll all wake up.

Dreams...

When we dream.
We escape.
Oh sweet dreams, a reality that doesn't exist for modern life.
If only right?

yes...

To dream of peace.
To dream of better things; a different world.

Oh...

I cannot wait for your pleasant reigns again..

here I come...
Carry me away..
For I don't want to feel tonight..

It happens every night...

The music spirals on, as the night continues in its loneliness.
I wonder if I'm truly cold.
If I have a heart.

I wonder why this is our "current relationship"..
But then I remember that this is me.
And I'm not anyone's preference.
Never have been..
.. Never will be.

For I am nothing more than me.

The music continues..
Every time the song changes..
The thoughts spiral with the words that resonate throughout these four walls.

I'm falling away into the dark again..

Goot Inspiration....

The loneliness bears it's weight.
Suffocating and drowning me more and more as the time ticks by.
In the words of another,
"I love your existence."
I only wish...

..wish you felt the same.

To see your words,
Your photos,
It proves that you live..

..If only you lived in a world that would consider my soul.

Rainbow Scenery.

I sat on the edge of the placid waters, staring into their depths; looking for meaning.
Trying to understand the world is a hard concept. Perhaps one no one will truly grasp.
Looking above me, the clouds swirled around with a ferocity that would scare any normal soul.
But to be in my position..
To be an old soul..
Born over 3,000 times... I understand everything.
Why now however, does this appear to be a mystery to me...


Looking back across the land, I think to myself whether I will find him again.
Whether there will be another time in life where things will appear to make sense.

The sky continued to change it's shape.
Over and over, turning into something new to satisfy it's hunger for creativity...
I sighed, and closed my book. Stepping away from the waters with my head upon the grass, I looked up to meet the world, but with a sudden breath of sharp air, I looked into the eyes of his lost soul.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall...

In most of our lives, we search for people that are most commonly like ourselves, so we may have someone to relate to in the events that take place from day to day..

However, many people have trust issues..
..don't let many others into the depths of our mistakes..

..of our dreams,
of our hopes,
of our fear,
of our hatred,
into the depths of the things we love..

But when we find those people we hold on tight.
We fear losing them to someone better than ourselves..

There are some instances where we find the perfect person..
Yet by the end of the day we're consumed with hatred towards them..
..for they mirror us too perfectly.
It's as though we're looking upon a reflection of ourselves,
and we become unsatisfied with the way we feel we are presented..
We learn to resent them..
When truly, they are only us..

Why do we hate who we are,
and who we have become,
and who we have yet to be?

What Dreams May Come..

To sleep is to dream, and to dream is to hope.
Oh what the concept which many people take for granted.
We dream of what we miss,
of what we hate...
...and of what we've loved.

Such emotions,
Portrayed in such a way that not many of are remembered upon waking.
If only we could remember..
..to remember and to let go?

Perhaps letting go isn't the answer..

We search for things to love,
For things to put faith or hope upon..

Why not trust in what we have,
Rather than sticking with the constant search which leaves us broken at the end of every day?

An Empty Mind; The Tainted Soul.

Laying down upon the filthy carpet in her home, she closes her eyes and tries to shut out all the screaming taking place around her. Falling away from the dark, decay, and filth, she opens her eyes into a deep mahogany red. Her own world, her dreams, her only sanctuary from her desolate life in chains, has been the only thing that keeps her going.
Slowly getting up, she surveys her surroundings. Above her are the red leaves of autumn, gently, and slowly falling as they soon begin to die from the cold. But until the weather shifts into a hateful fury of ice, the red, orange, and yellow scenery will suffice.
As she walks through the trees, her senses take in everything. The smell of the dew on the plants, the feel of the moist soil under her feet, and the sound of the animals scurrying away from her presence. As she finally reaches the edge of the forest, she spots an old, withering tree in the distance. It was such a depressing sight. The branches were all cowering away from the sky as though they were afraid to reach for anything more than what they already had. The leaves, all of them, shivered from the cold. It was as though they were alive, but afraid to live.
She walked closer to the decaying sight, and reached for a few of the leaves. Kissing them gently, it was as though she breathed life into the roots, for the tree began to shimmer with a vibrant light as it began to grow at an alarming rate. However, as soon as she stepped away from the tree to get a better look, it was as though someone shut its lights off. The tree began to drop and die, just as fast as it began to grow. Perhaps this tree was cursed; never allowed to fulfill the potential it contained...

Stepping away from the depressing sight, she looked out across the land. The forest was behind her, the tree to the left, and a vast, dark ocean ahead. Looking across the forlorn waters, there seemed to be nothing alive. This was her world, her creation, why now, of all times, did it appear to be so ominous? Why was the only thing she had left beginning to fail her too?

An Empty Mind.

She lies down upon the floor, the weight of her actions crushing her soul. Falling gently into the carpets warm graces, she closes her eyes so she may drift off into her own world.
The yellow light from the sun sweeps out of the room, and blackness soon takes it's place... As she re-opens her eyes, green light floods every space around her. She slowly gets up and begins to walk towards an ocean in the distance. The sound of life, the smells of growth and decay, her senses leave nothing behind.
Time does not pass here. There is no essence of it. Everything simply, just is.
As she walks, with the wind gently swaying the white lace of her gown, she dances. Dancing under the green of the trees, the sun casting an elegant glow upon everything it touches.
As she approaches her destination, she sees a tree a bit further off. The tree was enormous. Perhaps the largest thing she had ever seen before. Its branches were spreading in every direction, attempting to soak up as much sun as possible. They all appeared to have set the same goal; reaching the sky. The leaves were all various shades of green and purple. It was unlike any tree she had ever seen before. Getting closer, she began to realize that the leaves seemed to live a separate life from the tree. They whispered lullabies and words of love to one another as they gently brushed by their neighbor.
Finally next to the tree, she leaned forward and kissed one of the leaves. The whole tree seemed to shiver with delight at her slightest touch. She smiled back at her new friend, and with one hand on their trunk, she looked out over the ocean. The tree was perched on the edge of a cliff, miles above the water. This height didn't seem to disturb anything that stood too close. It was as though nothing wrong could ever happen here, for if anything did, the life pouring out of every surface would surely fix the situation.
The crystal clarity of the depths spanned on for as far as she could see. Her violet eyes searched them for any sign of another soul like her own, but in such a vast, open world, her search could take quite awhile. However, time will never matter to her, at least not here. Never while she was here...

Random Writings .02

Life.
What is it?
Time.
Who controls it?

I'm trying to find a job, but it's rather difficult when no one seems to want to hire a 17 year old.
I've tried at home, and at my Mom's. No one wants me...


La La La..


I don't know how to write happy things. If I attempt to, the writing always changes to have an ominous tone. There is no middle ground, or solid ground for that matter.

Meh...

Unknowingly.

The memories we create, and those we erase.
They taint our souls.
Bending and breaking us to their every whim.

How are we supposed to write a piece when we cannot feel anything?
Dear child, reader, man and woman.
Feel the emotions attached to what we choose to remember.

Remember and love,
Forgive and forget,
Hold dear to those who have tainted their lives with the unnecessary crutches.

A broken soul,
A heart without a friend.
Breathe deep, and relish in our minds...

...soon we'll be all right.

Moonlight.

Cascading down through the ever green trees, the moon filters out all the colour. They have begun to see things that were normally invisible to the untrained eye. There is a man walking through the leaves. His silent footsteps make him untrackable. There is a woman sitting at the edge of the forrest, staring across the black ocean. The moon shone upon her face, casting an eerie glow into her eyes.
The man walking, slowly and silently, unknowingly creeping upon this distraught woman. She is unaware that soon she'll be watched, for she completes the man's loneliness without ever meaning to do so.

The hours pass by, and the moon slowly fades from view, causing both man and woman to return to their fruitless lives.

Don't make me choose.

Your smile, your face.
Staring back through the window pane.
I place my hand against the glass, and you reflect it with a single motion.
A barrier between; there's always something there.

The way you laughed with your hair gently swaying.
The way you smiled with your eyes glowing bright.
Speak to me; a voice of velvet.
There is nothing more beautiful then you.

I'm mad.. Really mad..

Skin you alive as we slice apart every orifice on your body.
Gouge out your eyes with a spoon.
This is our will, thy will be done.
Commanded to slice you alive; I shall accomplish this holy deed.

We shall start with your fingers; splinching them one by one.
Continue on your face.
Tongue out; no one will hear you scream.
You will writhe in agony and we will laugh at your dismay.

Next will be your legs.
Start by slicing your Achilles tendon.
Try and run now bitch.
Shall we drill holes into your knee caps? I think so.

Call me pathetic again now you insecure, pathetic, irresponsible, self centered bitch.
Have fun in hell.

Definition of Pathetic.

You.
Nothing more.
Your scent stains this world; polluting everything you touch.
Feel a breeze and wipe you clean from my life.

No one wants you.
No one needs you.
Burn in hell if you feel the need.
No one will miss you as your body rots in the ground.

Go Die.

Slit your throat and cut your wrists.
Fall of the edge of the cliff and splatter into a thousand pieces.
No one will cry at the sight of your mangled body.

Feel the pain, and writhe in your agony.
I will laugh in your face and spit in your open wound.
I hope you burn in hell.

There is no hope for you.
You and all your friends will fall into an empty hole; seriously going no where in life.
Drink yourself to death why don't you.

Find a way to make the pain last.
For it's all you'll ever feel when I'm done with you.
I'll skin you alive; you're a waste of life.

Hide your body; the chunks of your fat flesh will rot.
The stench of a perfect score being officially settled.
The crows are coming for you.

I hope you have fun in hell.

Lies.

You fill the room with your irresistible glare.
Finding a way to captivate everything around us.

I want to tell you no, but I find myself staring too closely into your eyes.

I want someone who would want me for me, not for what I may be able to offer.

Why do you attempt to use me?
What did I do wrong?

La La La

(Different note)

I met you back, a few months ago, but just recently saw you again. Since then, I've been finding that the normal things I do appear repulsive. My friends are annoying. My heart pumps a different beat now.

I don't seem to understand much around me, but all my crutches are feeling too brittle.

You have caused everything around me to feel unimportant and strange; It's as though life could have a different route.

I wish you were closer so you could teach me how to properly live.

Cold-Hearted

Love.
Tainted and full of impurities.

You lie and you fall.
Break and bend the words.
Find me twisted in a knot; screaming my way out.

Hate.
Easy and found anywhere.

You consume our lives.
Breathe deep and claw sharp.
Help me out of the hole you've thrown me into.

Love.
Cold and full of insecurity.

Unknown and unaware.
Fall and find no solid ground.
We cannot seem to find out way out of this maze.

Neither works.
I'm done.

More Of You Please.

Tongue tied and twisted, you leave me breathless.
I feel your heart, I feel your breath.

I'm searching for an answer.
The questions never asked.

I cannot think for my mind is muddled with the thought of you.
Take a chance they say.

A chance; a leap.
Something I no longer know how to do...

Random Thoughts 01.

Loneliness is nothing but a term, used to describe a feeling one may feel depicting a physical status of having no one around.
Just because no one is around doesn't mean we have to be "lonely".
One may be alone, but not lonely.
Yet one may also be surrounded by people, yet still feel alone.

If there are people in the world who care about you in the slightest, or in the greatest amounts, one should never feel alone.

You don't always have to have someone on your arm to make life complete, or someone to spend your time with to not be bored.

Sometimes being "alone", is better, for then you get quiet time to do as you wish, and think without contradictions to your thoughts or beliefs.

La La La.

Life continues on whether we choose to participate with it or not. One may sit in their room for hours on end, weeks upon months, but life will continue on. There is no stopping time.
There are days where it will speed by and we'll open our eyes and wonder what happened to the day. There will also be days where we sit and stare at the clock, contemplating why it wont move faster.

Time is consistent, but it will appear to move faster if one has a positive outlook on things. When we sit around, being all mellow-dramatic, days will take forever to pass by. But by getting out into the world, smiling, and enjoying the simple things, laughing, and having a good time, time will seem unimportant.