....so i die happy..

Its that time of year again.
Medicate me...so I may lie peacefully.
The days are dark.
They're all the same.
I feel old desires.h
I feel old pain.

Its that time of year again.
I'm scared, but I'm fighting.
I'm fighting, but I have no motive.
I'm beginning to feel numb.
Numb is a safe place to be.
I'm falling forward yet go no where.

I'm alone.
But not entirely.
I love him.
But I'm still scared.

---

I see you walk into my room swishing your long blonde hair.
I look to the other door and your curls are freshly cleaned.
I turn back and you're smiling as you lie upon my bed.
I look further and you're sleeping on my couch.

My life is tainted with what I had and what I've got.
From first to last; beginning to end.
I see my scares and the smoke hovers by.
I can only ask myself...why do I torture myself?
Am I sick? Derranged? Psychotic? Morbid?

---

Sleep....my only safe place.
Stay awake to hear you smile, but I'm still falling.