Envy.

I see a physical image of people who share similar traits and characteristics and interests as me.. but then I look at myself and think.."I look nothing like that."
I know that image has nothing to do what makes you a good person, a valued person..
But sometimes it truly sucks when you're the second best option to the people around you.
I know also that, "if they don't think you're good enough, they're not worth your time."

But god damn...
Sometimes man..

Bronte.

I remember the night you told me you didn't want me anymore. I'm not trying to sound dramatic... I can just feel it tonight. I can smell the cold from the rest of the house; see the look on your face; feel my chest tighten as your words descended upon me. I feel alone.. And not in a desperate, lonely, kind of way- but actually alone. I think the hardest part is knowing you don't care to have me around. I can understand it though. It's reasonable. It's just everything I'm drawn to in life, specifically people, always has a roadblock keeping it just out of reach. I want to be loved and give love. I want to have someone to talk to when we're trying to sleep. I want no reason for doubt from day one until the end...

Trip with me forever. The words are resonating in my ears. A death grip around my soul. Stitched into my nerves.

My reality.

It's hard finding words to explain a feeling you don't understand. I don't understand why people find hateful things funny. Why racist or violent things can be humorous. I don't understand how people can live with so little regard as to how their actions affect someone else. No one cares about the damage they're causing. I need safety. I have found myself crumbling under the weight of the worlds negativity. Even in the smaller aspect of things; a broken friend, a failed relationship, the loss of the most intimate and personal connection with someone... I'm searching for light in a shadowed world. I'm trying hard to fight back, but how do you fight back when you're actually only fighting yourself? It's my mind that gets me into trouble. I've allowed myself to become too sensitive. But how do you change who you are, or something you feel naturally?

___

I wrote the above passage a few weeks ago.
But it still applies intensely..
Lately I've become more aware of my surroundings, to an almost painful extent. But I've been listening to the little thoughts in the back of your head, the little voice, that awkward gut feeling.
"Turn left," it says.. And when you listen and turn left, the road ahead ends up surprising you. I've found that when I listen to these little gut feelings or whatever they are, that something good happens. Or I'm where I'm meant to be for that moment in time. I was supposed to be there to experience something for a reason. Whether it's something to observe about the behavior of another, meet an individual(s), it's always somehow been for a reason that makes something in my reality just a little more clear.
I feel like I'm sensing the energies around me; feeling more than normal.
It's like those that are on the same page as me are being drawn out as well. Those that feel things and sense things are all saying similar words; feeling similar things. Even the dreams are starting to take more of a vivid appearance, or they're leaving behind a lasting emotion.

I'm not sure what's happening to my reality. But I can feel something. Something is coming.

Change your mind.

Over time I've come to realize a lot of things.
A lot of different things have changed since the new year.
I told myself that I would no longer settle for less.
The changes were terrifying at first, but you get used to it.
I've been letting things roll, see what happens.
I miss you still.
I love you still.
But it doesn't hurt anymore.

I'm about to meet myself, and that palpable experience alone is absolutely enthralling.
It's still taking a lot of work, and a lot of time.
But with every passing day I'm beginning to feel a little lighter; a little happier.

I've let go of things.
I've looked past many obstacles.
I'm onto something brilliant.

I only wish that I could bring you with me. Give you the same sense of enlightenment that I'm coming to know.
I wish I could rid your heart of all the negativity, but no one can do that for you except yourself.
I wish you the best; I believe in you.

But with the way things are going, I cannot afford to fall back into it.
I cannot allow myself to crawl back.
You need this time to yourself as well.
I'd like to think and dream that you're going to come back to me, but if it's meant to be, then it'll be. And if it's not, then know that I'm eternally grateful for the experiences we've shared together, and the love you gave me.

I loved you then, and I love you now.

&right now, I'm falling in love with myself.

No Filter.

You're arrogant, and you're selfish. You never take time to consider how someone else is feeling, unless somehow you benefit from it. And if you do? It's never the people that "mean most".
You don't like to face conflict head on. You run from it, make up excuses, and be a little bitch.

If you don't want to come around at a reasonable fucking time? Then there's the door. I'm sorry that the rest of the world doesn't revolve around your schedule. We have our own lives too. You only make time for someone when it's convenient for you. Sorry? but you're going to get no where with people if you can't make sacrifices, or set aside time to appreciate the people that you want to be closest with.

I'm done waiting around to be considered.
Either make the effort, or get the fuck out of my life.

And at the rate you're going as of the last 72 hours? You haven't done yourself a single fucking favor.


/end rant.

Enough is enough.

I am so much better than this.
I deserve... so much better than this.
"If you don't want to be shit on anymore, than stop accepting shit and start demanding something more."

That's exactly what I need to start doing.
You will always be it.
But you aren't giving me the security that I need.
One moment is perfect, literally, perfect..
And then the next, it feels like it was a lie because of the shit that you're doing.

Actions, will ALWAYS speak louder than words.
And a lot of the time, your actions don't match your words.
And in that fact lies my distrust for you.

If you want me to believe that I mean so much to you, then start acting like I mean that much to you.

I'm not going to sit around anymore.
If nothing changes, then I'm throwing in my cards.
For good this time.

---
I think we went wrong in the very beginning.
I admired you, and in the process forgot to remember myself.
It's like we began competing for who was more awesome, rather than co-existing and complimenting one another.
I used to be the person that everyone would try to see.
I was the person that knew everyone, was friends with everyone, and I really didn't have beef with a single soul.
And no, I feel like a ghost.
I feel like I'm just walking around and if I stumble into the lives of one of my friends, it's a big ordeal.

You have made me forget who I am.
And I just stood back and let myself disappear.

No more.
I can't do this anymore.

I can almost see you.

I'm always throwing myself out on a limb.
I just want you to cave in.. I want you to come home..

I want you to fight for us..
I want you to fight for me..

I want to go back to what I know.

Frost Bite

Everything about this night and morning has been nostalgic for me..
The smell of the cold is layered with all the memories of you..
It was so tangible I could even feel your breath on the top of my head and the way you move next to me while you sleep...

We got to the welcome home party for an old friend, and upon walking inside the house it was like high school all over again.. 100proof apple pie, a beer or two later, and we were winning at some beer pong.. But that moment is over and we were back home.
After getting settled in, Helios found its way to my speakers and all I could think of and feel was the night you were lying on your living room/kitchen floor painting and I was sitting there next to you watching your hands. Always so delicate... I found it beautiful to watch you work every time..
And then my friend throws on Skyrim and I could have lost my composure so easily, but I closed my eyes and relived the memories as quietly as I could..
You'd be sitting on the floor or lying on the couch with me, and you'd kill rabbits just because you knew it made me sad. But I'd get frustrated eventually because I wanted the attention you were giving your game. I should have realized back then that just by having me in the room was enough for you. If I could just sit next to you now..
If I could wake up to you one more time...

I want to play in the snow with you.. I want to travel with you.. I want us to find a place where we can always be barefoot and play outdoors in every type of weather; sunshine, rain, clouds, everything..

I miss the way you make baby dinosaur sounds when you stretch. I miss the way you mumble in your sleep, and always have your mouth slightly open making a goofy face... I remember trying to count your eyelashes whenever you were asleep next to me..

I miss the way you'd show me little things about yourself without even realizing..
You're a dedicated person when you set your mind to something..
You are hardworking, and caring, and I feel like you were usually afraid to show that you were vulnerable too.

I feel as though I've wasted so much time worrying and ruining a good moment because I was afraid that you were unhappy with me..
I wish you could see and feel the depth of my sorrow for all our wasted time...
I have never missed anyone thing the way I miss you...

I just want you to come home...

Lonely, Rainy Days

I want to be completely embraced by sunlight.
I want to be held, and comforted in all the ways that I've been depraved of since a child.

I want to be completely encompassed by music.
I want to be comforted by the notes and melodies in all the ways that I've never experienced before.

I want to be surrounded by nature.
I want to be elated by the purest form of life in all the ways that I'm incapable of achieving on my own.

I want to be happy.
I want to be able to give love and receive love as though we truly knew this was our only opportunity.

I want to feel alive.

You're just the same.

You are the right person.
You will probably always be the right person.

I need to remember myself. Do things for myself because otherwise I'll find myself lost in your energy again. I can already feel it starting to happen again and that scares me.
"We need to grow apart, so that way we can grow together."
You are more than right with this.
I don't want to be stuck anymore.
I don't want to be wondering all the time.

I think too much, and I'm constantly working scenarios around in my head in different ways; trying to get the whole angle..
But I need to stop.
I need to look at whats before me.
I have laundry to do.
I have food to make and consume.
I have homework to focus on.
I have a life I need to start working on....

I need to get my head on straight..
But I want you here still.. All the time. Because you are my person. You are more than enough.

But right now....
Right this second..
All I need is myself, and I need to come to terms with that..
That doesn't mean that I don't want to talk or see you, or have you around...
I need you around, but I need to make myself the priority.

---

For some reason.. We will be thinking the same things. It will be a mutual decision, but when it comes from you first, it hurts more.. I reject the idea. But when I'm the one speaking first, I feel rejected by your reaction because it's never what I'm expecting. Even though, were speaking the same words...
I need to keep my mind open to all angles without looking too deep...

But when you look at me that way...
Its so hard to not forget everything...

10.

No matter how bad the day is.. Or how good the day is..
None of it compares to the fact that there is always tomorrow.

But in this case.. Tomorrow is going to be hard..
I don't want tomorrow to come.. But it'll be here in technically 55 minutes..

But there is work to be done.
And life to enjoy.
and air to breathe..
But you're not here to enjoy it with me..
And I don't know if you think of me.
I don't know how you're doing..
Can I at least have that much?

Can I at least hear you laugh.. or know that you're still alive?

*sigh ......

When I wake up tomorrow...
it'll be here..
and there will be no escape.

gray skies

I left the library today and told myself I was going to get food...but that meant id drive past the park.. I saw you...for a split second.. I don't know how to do this. I don't know what I'm doing right now.. I'm just sitting in the hardings parking lot telling myself that you felt me too, the way I could feel your energy.. god dammit.. you were my best friend. How am I supposed to just forget that like you? You dont want to talk. You don't want to see me.. I know I'm just whining.. complaining.. being weak.. I don't know how to describe the anxiety; the tightness/emptiness in my chest..fuck its in my whole body rather... I don't know how to make things better.. I'm so lost...