Envy.

I see a physical image of people who share similar traits and characteristics and interests as me.. but then I look at myself and think.."I look nothing like that."
I know that image has nothing to do what makes you a good person, a valued person..
But sometimes it truly sucks when you're the second best option to the people around you.
I know also that, "if they don't think you're good enough, they're not worth your time."

But god damn...
Sometimes man..

Bronte.

I remember the night you told me you didn't want me anymore. I'm not trying to sound dramatic... I can just feel it tonight. I can smell the cold from the rest of the house; see the look on your face; feel my chest tighten as your words descended upon me. I feel alone.. And not in a desperate, lonely, kind of way- but actually alone. I think the hardest part is knowing you don't care to have me around. I can understand it though. It's reasonable. It's just everything I'm drawn to in life, specifically people, always has a roadblock keeping it just out of reach. I want to be loved and give love. I want to have someone to talk to when we're trying to sleep. I want no reason for doubt from day one until the end...

Trip with me forever. The words are resonating in my ears. A death grip around my soul. Stitched into my nerves.

My reality.

It's hard finding words to explain a feeling you don't understand. I don't understand why people find hateful things funny. Why racist or violent things can be humorous. I don't understand how people can live with so little regard as to how their actions affect someone else. No one cares about the damage they're causing. I need safety. I have found myself crumbling under the weight of the worlds negativity. Even in the smaller aspect of things; a broken friend, a failed relationship, the loss of the most intimate and personal connection with someone... I'm searching for light in a shadowed world. I'm trying hard to fight back, but how do you fight back when you're actually only fighting yourself? It's my mind that gets me into trouble. I've allowed myself to become too sensitive. But how do you change who you are, or something you feel naturally?

___

I wrote the above passage a few weeks ago.
But it still applies intensely..
Lately I've become more aware of my surroundings, to an almost painful extent. But I've been listening to the little thoughts in the back of your head, the little voice, that awkward gut feeling.
"Turn left," it says.. And when you listen and turn left, the road ahead ends up surprising you. I've found that when I listen to these little gut feelings or whatever they are, that something good happens. Or I'm where I'm meant to be for that moment in time. I was supposed to be there to experience something for a reason. Whether it's something to observe about the behavior of another, meet an individual(s), it's always somehow been for a reason that makes something in my reality just a little more clear.
I feel like I'm sensing the energies around me; feeling more than normal.
It's like those that are on the same page as me are being drawn out as well. Those that feel things and sense things are all saying similar words; feeling similar things. Even the dreams are starting to take more of a vivid appearance, or they're leaving behind a lasting emotion.

I'm not sure what's happening to my reality. But I can feel something. Something is coming.

Change your mind.

Over time I've come to realize a lot of things.
A lot of different things have changed since the new year.
I told myself that I would no longer settle for less.
The changes were terrifying at first, but you get used to it.
I've been letting things roll, see what happens.
I miss you still.
I love you still.
But it doesn't hurt anymore.

I'm about to meet myself, and that palpable experience alone is absolutely enthralling.
It's still taking a lot of work, and a lot of time.
But with every passing day I'm beginning to feel a little lighter; a little happier.

I've let go of things.
I've looked past many obstacles.
I'm onto something brilliant.

I only wish that I could bring you with me. Give you the same sense of enlightenment that I'm coming to know.
I wish I could rid your heart of all the negativity, but no one can do that for you except yourself.
I wish you the best; I believe in you.

But with the way things are going, I cannot afford to fall back into it.
I cannot allow myself to crawl back.
You need this time to yourself as well.
I'd like to think and dream that you're going to come back to me, but if it's meant to be, then it'll be. And if it's not, then know that I'm eternally grateful for the experiences we've shared together, and the love you gave me.

I loved you then, and I love you now.

&right now, I'm falling in love with myself.