Blank.

I know you're tired of me..

But sometimes I just need you to suck it up and get over it.

It would be nice to feel appreciated once and awhile...Like I matter to you.

Yes, you continue to tell me that I do.. But you sure as hell don't act like it.

But then I'm the crazy one for asking you to at least act like it?

I don't understand...

You ignore me all day.. Pretend like I don't exist..

It'd be cool if you grew up and treated me like I'm the most important person to you.. And if you can't show that I am, then don't tell me I am.

I feel like all I'm doing is wasting my time trying to get you to make more of an effort to be positive towards me. I try to be civil first, and then you're short and instantly pissy with me.. Which in turn makes me feel like crap. If you're sick of me, then say so.

Hello Friday (:

Oh, you were wearing my necklace..

:D

Shit makes me happy.
and of course I asked you idiot :P
You'd ask me too.
So calm your tits.

It rained all day..

life is good.

Locked Messages

This blog has meant a lot to me in the time that I've been using it.

It's allowed me to have an escape where there weren't any others to be found.

I've been re-reading my posts, and it makes me wonder why I let myself think so darkly...all the time.. I know I didn't live that way, that's for damn sure.

I tend to forget this blog is public.

I'm rather embarrassed by some of the things I would write.

I know I occasionally think in the darker spectrum of thought, but I'm always spending my time trying to have fun, or play in the sunshine; I run from my mind in most scenarios.

Most of my posts in the last few months have been about one thing; my paranoia. I know that it's all just a frame of mind and that if I simply just "let it go", everything would be much calmer around me.. However, I'm the type of person that, to just let something go, is comparable to a type of defeat. I usually need closure.. I need evidence; physical proof that by letting go, the situation isn't going to sneak up on me and leave me completely destroyed.
Asking me to just, "let go", is like asking me to jump off the roof.. I can't just do it.

Even now, with things in not that bad of a place, my mind still wanders to various "what if's"... Even in my sleep, my dreams plague me with different made up scenarios and I wake up in a sweat and out of breath. There really is no safe place for my mind, and it's tearing us, and myself apart.

I'm doing what I can though.. I'm trying.. I'm shrugging it off.. I'm re-reading messages from you where you're promising that it's nothing. All I can do now is just hope you still mean what you've said before.
I know that you're tired of telling me the same things over and over again... I don't blame you. But my mind keeps throwing the same fears at me, over and over again.. So I need you to keep trying.. I need you to not give up on me just yet. I'm still here, still hoping this is going to stay good for longer than a few days. All I can do is just hope you're still by my side.
But should your mind ever change... Then don't string me along.. Just let me know. Rip it off like a band-aid and spare me any sugar coating or bullshit.

You are still what I want. You always have been. I see you as a beautiful person (truly, inside).. You're not always the nicest or considerate, but who always is 24-7? I know I've said some rough things before, but I know why I love you. I know why I'm still here fighting.
Sometimes I want to know your feelings or thoughts about me, other than the simply reply, "because I love you." I want actual words, an actual description. You've done it before in the past, I just want something more current. Something updated that I can wrap my head around and have it comfort me at night. I know you're not one to just easily express things.. And partly I feel as though I've ruined that, but give it one more shot..
I'm just tired of asking you to do it..
I feel, sometimes, that I'm always throwing myself out on a limb when I ask for more information or more details; makes me feel vulnerable in the sense that if you give me nothing, I feel hurt for trying.. Or something like that...
I need to feel you.

Lalalalalala.

2:30 in the morning...work at quarter to 8.. Awesome..
I cant sleep...
I cant just lie next to you, your back to me, and feel comfortable...or comforted for that matter...
You want things to get better..
But how are things supposed to get better when you aren't trying, and whenever I say that it takes two, you just shrug your shoulders..

How the hell is that supposed to make anything better at all?
I want us to get better, probably more than you do. But all my energy is spent... Not only have I been trying to make us better, but I've been trying to make myself better; make it so I'm not paranoid all the goddamn time..
You're probably going to see her on Tuesday.. So much for "I don't hang out with her".
I want you to want to see me, want to make plans with me.. Rather than having any other option be better..

I'm tired of feeling alone even when I'm with you.

A Muted Moment

I don't understand why every time I get back on here, I have more page views.. what is being written is truly of no consequence. My thoughts generally aren't that important or coherent for that matter.

My presence doesn't seem to be that important either it seems sometimes..
Other people, other events, photos, internet, phone, twitter, facebook.... Everything that we create to entertain ourselves... That seems to somehow, take more importance that an actual person in physical form.
Maybe we've begun to fool ourselves. Are we really like one of those boring couples that we find in run down diners, eating the same meal every visit?
*yes, that's an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind reference..
But it very much so applies to this.

I know I'm paranoid and rather crazy occasionally. But you're selfish.
I feel as though, I, of all people, would get to know your plans, and your intentions, interests, and random thoughts.. But it's always someone else. I want to be the person you'd rather talk to, but it seems as though I'm the last one to hear of anything, and anything that I do know about is because I asked for information.
This is only going to work if both sides are trying.
I know I should probably stop.
See if it makes you try harder.
I'm afraid that you won't though. I'm afraid to find out that all along I've just been kiddin' myself.
I'm afraid that you're done with me. That you're bored with me.
I can't stand the thought of you wanting something better..
I would like to say that I'm the best thing you've got going on for you..
But if that were truly the case, then wouldn't I be treated better than this?
Sometimes your friends say the same thing;
"Hey! Are we going out to practice?"
"Yes!"
2 hours later...
"Hey, .....are we still going out to practice?"
"no."
*hangs head/sigh

If you want more from the world, if you want people to "entertain you without you having to do anything", then you've gotta put out some effort to even make them want to.

You wonder why my own friends don't like you... It's because you don't put forth any of your own energy... You just take and take and take... You give nothing back..

Too much.

There are a lot of new things as of today..
There's the potential for getting into a house with some friends..
There's talk of returning my car.
Going back to school in the fall hopefully.
Gotta get my own bike..

but if you were going to move in with me, I probably can't move into the house..
But I'd prefer if you stayed with me anyways..

----

You're talking of leaving; of this extravagant adventure and I feel so helpless, only because you're going to leave me behind.
You make it sound so easy to just leave.
I meant something...at least.. right?

----

I can't just come out and ask you if you have plans to see her before she leaves town.
The only reason I know she's leaving is because she would post shit on twitter.
But now that's gone too. Why delete it?
And what thoughts were you having when you texted me last Tuesday?

I'm trying to piece everything together in my head but sometimes all it does it make me feel even more crazy...

Good life.

I'm turning into everything I hate.. I'm not this type of person.. I don't normally feel this angry all the god damn time..

We are turning each other into the very thing we aren't.

I just want to feel like a priority...you can be on your phone.. but not text me back..
lkdfjas;ldkfj

I hate being this fucking crazy.. I'm usually not. God damn it....

I need a new method to this madness..
I need to not care.
I need to do my laundry.

*sigh

Lately I haven't been able to find words to explain the way that things are affecting me... I haven't felt really like myself lately..

You said I've seemed sad the last couple of days.. Honestly, I've kinda felt sad.. I'm not really sure why..

Sometimes, I know, I want you to make the effort first.. I want you to text me first or ask me to join you with something or surprise me with things.. I want you to make the first move and make me feel like you like having me around..
I know you do of course.. but still..
Actions will always speak louder than words..

---

Sometimes it's the lack of physical connection..
You feel so far away..
I need you to come find me, reach out to me somehow and show me you're still here.

--

and it's not even really that big of a deal..
But you say you'll text me..
And 3 hours later, still no response, but you're on your phone on facebook and twitter, talking to other people there..
Yet you can't text me at all..

---
I need to learn how to not care about stupid shit...
caring has always been my biggest downfall..
yet my strongest strength.
You are my biggest weakness...

Nothing.

Sometimes you seem so far away..
I can't tell if something is bothering you or if you're just really comfortable with me.

Today has just, all around, been an off day..
I feel like a robot; tuned out, shut down, lost in nothing.

I'm running out of words to say that could easily explain just how I'm feeling now.
I can't seem to place this with anything..

Too Close

I am not an arrogant person.
I am not cocky.
I am honest and modest.

I know when to keep my mouth shut, and when to speak up.
I know the difference between right and wrong,
and I know when you're a fucking asshole.

I get mad at your lack of respect for other people.
You are selfish and you disregard anyone unless the situation is somehow beneficial to you.

Your friends aren't any better.
A few a good.
But the ones you seem to care for the most are just as bad or worse than you.

You're kind of a disgusting person.

But then we can wake up in the morning and your smile is flawless.
The way you look back at me reminds me why I love you.
Because despite all the things that bother me.
You have a heart.
And you know how to care.