Thought and Writing; Alphabet Story

Andy was a man, only ten feet tall.
Before the march of flames would he listen at all.
Certain he was, the heat would melt his brain.
Determined he was to prove he wasn't shamed.
Every lie tore his soul in two.
Forgetting the promise he'd made through and through.
Getting worked up and out of control.
He opened many doors, the broken and all.
I never thought to see him this way.
Justified by the pain he would say.

Kelly was a girl, made of silk.
Lining all her walls with honey and milk.
Maybe she loved to hear her own voice.
Noting all the words to every bad choice.
Only then would she see another's smile.
Playful little girl, she'd then stay for awhile.
Quite a ruse, her and her words.
Rusting even, the wings of a bird.
Starry nights caused her unease.
The love she felt, was far out of reach.

Under the bed we found the two.
Velocity warped them through and through.
Wrought with anguish and damaged pride.
Xanax only numbed their sides.
Years would pass before they'd see sunlight.
Zion had become their place of delight.

Exhale; repeat.

I've been feeling as though I've lost sight of what's most important. I know I need to do well in school so I may better my life further than normal circumstances would allow. But lately, I've been feeling a drought of motivation. There's no gumption to do what needs to get done.

I just need to get my head together.. I'm tired if this repetitive circle; I want things to stay positive.

Thought and Writing; Gas Mask Wedding

 Amy Cole

Thought and Writing

"Its the little things you do that make my heart swell. It's not that you have perfect features, but in turn, your imperfect ability to love me back. Your eyes are a unique shade of blue that pierces through my exterior shell. The curvature of your body, as it forms against mine when we're doing nothing but sleep; I don't just see you... I can feel you. I feel your presence and all that you are as a person. You're genuinely beautiful, inside and out. You are the epitome to my other half, and I will always love you."

I had written this all down for you in hopes that you may read it some day. Fate however, had a different idea in mind. It was a Tuesday, and we walked further into the woods than we ever had before. I can still remember it all perfectly. The way your hair bounced as you lithely stepped over fallen limbs, catching the light in a way that reflected a spectrum of golds and browns in a way I had never seen before. You had been in my life for almost 6 years now, but I had never seen you like this. It was then that I knew you were the only thing I could ever want, or even desire, for the rest of my life.

As we played our cat and mouse game of chase through the trees, a rumble from the East made us pause temporarily. It was a low rumble at first, but soon it grew into a loud roar that shook the whole world. I took you under my arm and we hurried back from the way we came. You noticed before I; the animals of the wood were running with us. They were scared; petrified almost. What had happened that disturbed the peace of the only place still natural? Soon, natural or not, we would all know.

3 months later: Perhaps in a different world, or a different time things could have made sense, or been done differently. There was something hauntingly beautiful as you looked at me through your gas mask on our wedding day.

"Lyra, I love you.."

"I love you too, Markus."

I know it wasn't your first preference for attire, but given the impurities in the air, and steady flow of ash rather than rain, it had become a necessity. You were still the most beautiful thing I'd ever lied eyes upon. Regardless of all the negativity, you were still able to enjoy yourself. I came to the conclusion then that you were the strongest person I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.

7 months later we were awoken to the bombs falling only a town away. I can still hear the screams of metal against stone as buildings were torn through and destroyed. Maybe this was the way of the world; the way things were supposed to be. I wasn't sure, but the fright in your eyes through the dim glow from the moon outside our bedroom window scared me more than any bomb. I held you closer than anyone would have ever guessed. You were my world and I wasn't going to let anyone harm you if I could help it.

drifting away again..

"And at once I knew, I was not magnificent." This goddamn circle has me spinning around again; for once I thought I had found solid ground... I still have so far to go.. There's nothing... nothingggg... Why do I ever get my hopes up or think that this could ever go away? "The only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside." I don't want to fall back to this...

Thought and Writing; 02 Obstacle- Free Write

Free Writing -Obstacles
Moment in the past where you were faced with an obstacle/struggle/conflict that took it's role in terms of forming you into who you are as a person; your identity.
Summarize it.
Thoughts/feelings on the issue.
Thoughts behind the feelings.
Were you able to overcome the obstacle?

"Life is a series of failures; you'll only be successful if you do."
Who were you before you were faced with the situation?
Who are you now?

----

I was nothing more than an idea.
I turned into a future; a responsibility.

I was nothing more than a screamed name.
I turned into an annoyance; a creature.

I was nothing more than another number.
I turned into a name; a possibility.

I was nothing more than a scar.
I turned into a dream; a bird.

I was nothing more than another failure.
I turned into just that; nothing.

I was nothing more than a broken heart.
I turned into a medical mystery; a breath.

I was nothing more than a fleeting cloud.
I turned into carbon and poison; a cigarette.

I was nothing more than a memory.
I turned into the runaway; a problem.

I was nothing more than alone.
I turned into myself; a beginning.

I was nothing more than a dreamer.
I turned into a nightmare; a terror.

I was nothing more than a single strand of hope.
I turned into the music; a background.

I was nothing more than a fairy tale.
I turned into the only remainder; a soul.

I was nothing more than a couple written words.
I turned into your favorite book; a novel.

I was nothing more than the other girl.
I turned into the one with advice; a word.

I was nothing more than myself.
I turned into me; an art.

----

This specific piece of writing was done on January, 18th 2011 (exactly a year ago today! HOLY SHIT :D) anyways. yes. At the time, I was going through my senior year in high school and I was finally getting comfortable with myself as a person. I had taken a couple of days to myself to try and figure out where I was then, and where I am now (back then I mean), and this is what I had come up with.

1. Idea: The concept of giving my older brother a younger sister.
    Future: I was born.
    Responsibility: Mum wasn't there, so I was placed into my dad's hands with my brother.
2. Screamed name: My dad and I used to fight a lot; as did my brother and I.
    Annoyance: I felt as though I was never what my dad wanted.
    A Creature: I hated myself for some time. I didn't know why I did some of the things I would do; I didn't understand why I would feel certain things and I tore myself apart because of it.
3. Another number: I learned my social security number.
    Name: I started to introduce myself as "Hi, I am Amy. Rather than, "My name is Amy."
    A Possibility: I started to think that maybe I could have some potential in life.
4. Scar: I have been dealing with the addiction of self mutilation for roughly 8 years now. However I've been clean since December 3rd, 2011.
    Dream: I began to fervently create a world inside my head; a place that was safer than the reality around me.
    A Bird: All I wanted to do was fly away. Anywhere was better than there.
5. Another Failure: I was struggling with relationship issues with a guy that I had been dating for (by this point) roughly 2 years or so. However, no matter what horrible things he would do, or good that I could do, I wasn't ever good enough.
    Just that/nothing: I truly, 100% believed that I was worth nothing, and that I would never be anything.
6. Broken Heart: Said Dude, had destroyed me beyond my worst nightmares.
    Medical Mystery: Due to all the emotional drama with the guy, Dad yelling in the background, and my brother and I arguing as well.. I over dosed on over 16,000mg of Tylenol and Ibprofuen. The doctor said there wasn't any medical explanation as to why I was still alive.
   A Breath: I was alive.
7. Fleeting Cloud: I felt unattached to anything around me. There was nothing holding me to anything.
    Carbon and Poison/Cigarette: I had started to smoke cigarettes and weed quite regularly.
8. Memory: I had been forgotten about by many of my "friends" that I had normally associated with on a regular basis.
    Runaway: I would leave the house all the time with no intent of returning at a decent hour; I could only stand to be inside the smoked infused walls of my home for so long.
    Problem: There was so much drama going on around me; I blamed myself.
9. Alone: It was the epitome of the word.
    Into Myself: I fell into the world I had created; I began to think of only myself.
    A Beginning: I began to think of who I wanted to be; What I wanted to associate myself with.
10. Dreamer: I started thinking of the word "maybe." I began to dream of impossible things.   
      Nightmare: But no matter how many times I would hope for positive things, my nightmares would always return as soon as I was alone.
      Terror: There was no end to it.
11. Strand of Hope: It was there, small, but still there. Hope was something real and tangible.
      Music: I fell into it, and it was the only thing that held me together through everything going on around me that I couldn't control.
      Background: I blended into the walls and no one took much notice. That was alright with me.
12. Fairy Tale: The world in my head had become hard to distinguish from reality.
      Only Remainder: I was the only one left; there was no one else.
      Soul: But hey... as long as you have yourself...
13. Written Words: My poetry filled my walls around me with such speed. I could write there what no one else needed to see.
      Favourite Book: I felt as though I was just your favourite story to tell all your friends.
      Novel: Haha. My written words consumed so many notebooks.
14. The Other Girl: I wasn't what you wanted in the end.
      Advice: I was always there for whomever came to me for it.
      A Word: I could always make others smile. I always had the right word for it no matter what the scenario was.
15. Myself: We are all we have.
      Me: I realized that you can't rely upon, or depend upon anyone or anything other than yourself. So all I needed was myself.
      An Art: The little things make us who we are, and the big things change us. We are all a different type of a masterpiece. Some more elaborate than others, but all unique to their artist.

----

I realize after I've finished writing it, that's it's rather negative. I don't mean to paint myself in such a light. I just didn't necessarily have the best time throughout highschool or even prior. But without the negative things, I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I appreciate every little thing, no matter how detrimental to my health it was. It formed me into me and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Many things to come.

You're my best friend and I hope that this never changes.

Arrival of Friends

The words that were spoken under the haze of the holiday lights, have my mind swirling through one maze after another. It's dangerous to feel this way. Dangerous to consider these things.. But all I want is more.

Thought and Writing, S-12, #01

Writing for me has been something that I do as an exercise to release pent up emotions. My thoughts aren't normally something I share with just anybody. In terms of writing for school, I always end up over thinking things and in turn, getting a worse grade on a project I could have aced. But writing on the side, for myself, because I actually FEEL what I'm writing... That's when I'm able to just let words flow together and portray the things I can't always contain. Occasionally though, I'm unable to find the right words and I get rather frustrated, or feel inadequate in terms of being able to write. I'm rather excited for this class though. And if you happen to stumble into my older posts, please ignore my mind. :) Thanks.

Was it a ghost?

And it's weird without you here; the time is useless and made up of false realities.

All That I've Got.

I don't really care about the food I've eaten today, 'nor the activities. The thing pressing upon my mind at the moment is the sinking feeling I felt as I walked up to your apartment. I've come so far in terms of trust, as well as my attachment to you. Not hearing from you, mixed with my paranoia, and your car at your place; yet still...no call..no text.. The light was on though! Maybe I'm going crazy. But my mind swirled with so many thoughts; another in your embrace, tangled in the throws of your sheets... I feel as though there's a catch to this relationship. How can it be this good? I'm waiting for the negative to come swirling back into my life; I'm afraid of how it'll effect me this time though... I don't want to be lost in a haze again... But I still knocked on the door, and you answered. The light in your eyes always leaves me staggering, breathless almost. I love you more than I should.