It's allowed me to have an escape where there weren't any others to be found.
I've been re-reading my posts, and it makes me wonder why I let myself think so darkly...all the time.. I know I didn't live that way, that's for damn sure.
I tend to forget this blog is public.
I'm rather embarrassed by some of the things I would write.
I know I occasionally think in the darker spectrum of thought, but I'm always spending my time trying to have fun, or play in the sunshine; I run from my mind in most scenarios.
Most of my posts in the last few months have been about one thing; my paranoia. I know that it's all just a frame of mind and that if I simply just "let it go", everything would be much calmer around me.. However, I'm the type of person that, to just let something go, is comparable to a type of defeat. I usually need closure.. I need evidence; physical proof that by letting go, the situation isn't going to sneak up on me and leave me completely destroyed.
Asking me to just, "let go", is like asking me to jump off the roof.. I can't just do it.
Even now, with things in not that bad of a place, my mind still wanders to various "what if's"... Even in my sleep, my dreams plague me with different made up scenarios and I wake up in a sweat and out of breath. There really is no safe place for my mind, and it's tearing us, and myself apart.
I'm doing what I can though.. I'm trying.. I'm shrugging it off.. I'm re-reading messages from you where you're promising that it's nothing. All I can do now is just hope you still mean what you've said before.
I know that you're tired of telling me the same things over and over again... I don't blame you. But my mind keeps throwing the same fears at me, over and over again.. So I need you to keep trying.. I need you to not give up on me just yet. I'm still here, still hoping this is going to stay good for longer than a few days. All I can do is just hope you're still by my side.
But should your mind ever change... Then don't string me along.. Just let me know. Rip it off like a band-aid and spare me any sugar coating or bullshit.
You are still what I want. You always have been. I see you as a beautiful person (truly, inside).. You're not always the nicest or considerate, but who always is 24-7? I know I've said some rough things before, but I know why I love you. I know why I'm still here fighting.
Sometimes I want to know your feelings or thoughts about me, other than the simply reply, "because I love you." I want actual words, an actual description. You've done it before in the past, I just want something more current. Something updated that I can wrap my head around and have it comfort me at night. I know you're not one to just easily express things.. And partly I feel as though I've ruined that, but give it one more shot..
I'm just tired of asking you to do it..
I feel, sometimes, that I'm always throwing myself out on a limb when I ask for more information or more details; makes me feel vulnerable in the sense that if you give me nothing, I feel hurt for trying.. Or something like that...
I need to feel you.
Most of my posts in the last few months have been about one thing; my paranoia. I know that it's all just a frame of mind and that if I simply just "let it go", everything would be much calmer around me.. However, I'm the type of person that, to just let something go, is comparable to a type of defeat. I usually need closure.. I need evidence; physical proof that by letting go, the situation isn't going to sneak up on me and leave me completely destroyed.
Asking me to just, "let go", is like asking me to jump off the roof.. I can't just do it.
Even now, with things in not that bad of a place, my mind still wanders to various "what if's"... Even in my sleep, my dreams plague me with different made up scenarios and I wake up in a sweat and out of breath. There really is no safe place for my mind, and it's tearing us, and myself apart.
I'm doing what I can though.. I'm trying.. I'm shrugging it off.. I'm re-reading messages from you where you're promising that it's nothing. All I can do now is just hope you still mean what you've said before.
I know that you're tired of telling me the same things over and over again... I don't blame you. But my mind keeps throwing the same fears at me, over and over again.. So I need you to keep trying.. I need you to not give up on me just yet. I'm still here, still hoping this is going to stay good for longer than a few days. All I can do is just hope you're still by my side.
But should your mind ever change... Then don't string me along.. Just let me know. Rip it off like a band-aid and spare me any sugar coating or bullshit.
You are still what I want. You always have been. I see you as a beautiful person (truly, inside).. You're not always the nicest or considerate, but who always is 24-7? I know I've said some rough things before, but I know why I love you. I know why I'm still here fighting.
Sometimes I want to know your feelings or thoughts about me, other than the simply reply, "because I love you." I want actual words, an actual description. You've done it before in the past, I just want something more current. Something updated that I can wrap my head around and have it comfort me at night. I know you're not one to just easily express things.. And partly I feel as though I've ruined that, but give it one more shot..
I'm just tired of asking you to do it..
I feel, sometimes, that I'm always throwing myself out on a limb when I ask for more information or more details; makes me feel vulnerable in the sense that if you give me nothing, I feel hurt for trying.. Or something like that...
I need to feel you.
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