Thought and Writing; 02 Obstacle- Free Write

Free Writing -Obstacles
Moment in the past where you were faced with an obstacle/struggle/conflict that took it's role in terms of forming you into who you are as a person; your identity.
Summarize it.
Thoughts/feelings on the issue.
Thoughts behind the feelings.
Were you able to overcome the obstacle?

"Life is a series of failures; you'll only be successful if you do."
Who were you before you were faced with the situation?
Who are you now?

----

I was nothing more than an idea.
I turned into a future; a responsibility.

I was nothing more than a screamed name.
I turned into an annoyance; a creature.

I was nothing more than another number.
I turned into a name; a possibility.

I was nothing more than a scar.
I turned into a dream; a bird.

I was nothing more than another failure.
I turned into just that; nothing.

I was nothing more than a broken heart.
I turned into a medical mystery; a breath.

I was nothing more than a fleeting cloud.
I turned into carbon and poison; a cigarette.

I was nothing more than a memory.
I turned into the runaway; a problem.

I was nothing more than alone.
I turned into myself; a beginning.

I was nothing more than a dreamer.
I turned into a nightmare; a terror.

I was nothing more than a single strand of hope.
I turned into the music; a background.

I was nothing more than a fairy tale.
I turned into the only remainder; a soul.

I was nothing more than a couple written words.
I turned into your favorite book; a novel.

I was nothing more than the other girl.
I turned into the one with advice; a word.

I was nothing more than myself.
I turned into me; an art.

----

This specific piece of writing was done on January, 18th 2011 (exactly a year ago today! HOLY SHIT :D) anyways. yes. At the time, I was going through my senior year in high school and I was finally getting comfortable with myself as a person. I had taken a couple of days to myself to try and figure out where I was then, and where I am now (back then I mean), and this is what I had come up with.

1. Idea: The concept of giving my older brother a younger sister.
    Future: I was born.
    Responsibility: Mum wasn't there, so I was placed into my dad's hands with my brother.
2. Screamed name: My dad and I used to fight a lot; as did my brother and I.
    Annoyance: I felt as though I was never what my dad wanted.
    A Creature: I hated myself for some time. I didn't know why I did some of the things I would do; I didn't understand why I would feel certain things and I tore myself apart because of it.
3. Another number: I learned my social security number.
    Name: I started to introduce myself as "Hi, I am Amy. Rather than, "My name is Amy."
    A Possibility: I started to think that maybe I could have some potential in life.
4. Scar: I have been dealing with the addiction of self mutilation for roughly 8 years now. However I've been clean since December 3rd, 2011.
    Dream: I began to fervently create a world inside my head; a place that was safer than the reality around me.
    A Bird: All I wanted to do was fly away. Anywhere was better than there.
5. Another Failure: I was struggling with relationship issues with a guy that I had been dating for (by this point) roughly 2 years or so. However, no matter what horrible things he would do, or good that I could do, I wasn't ever good enough.
    Just that/nothing: I truly, 100% believed that I was worth nothing, and that I would never be anything.
6. Broken Heart: Said Dude, had destroyed me beyond my worst nightmares.
    Medical Mystery: Due to all the emotional drama with the guy, Dad yelling in the background, and my brother and I arguing as well.. I over dosed on over 16,000mg of Tylenol and Ibprofuen. The doctor said there wasn't any medical explanation as to why I was still alive.
   A Breath: I was alive.
7. Fleeting Cloud: I felt unattached to anything around me. There was nothing holding me to anything.
    Carbon and Poison/Cigarette: I had started to smoke cigarettes and weed quite regularly.
8. Memory: I had been forgotten about by many of my "friends" that I had normally associated with on a regular basis.
    Runaway: I would leave the house all the time with no intent of returning at a decent hour; I could only stand to be inside the smoked infused walls of my home for so long.
    Problem: There was so much drama going on around me; I blamed myself.
9. Alone: It was the epitome of the word.
    Into Myself: I fell into the world I had created; I began to think of only myself.
    A Beginning: I began to think of who I wanted to be; What I wanted to associate myself with.
10. Dreamer: I started thinking of the word "maybe." I began to dream of impossible things.   
      Nightmare: But no matter how many times I would hope for positive things, my nightmares would always return as soon as I was alone.
      Terror: There was no end to it.
11. Strand of Hope: It was there, small, but still there. Hope was something real and tangible.
      Music: I fell into it, and it was the only thing that held me together through everything going on around me that I couldn't control.
      Background: I blended into the walls and no one took much notice. That was alright with me.
12. Fairy Tale: The world in my head had become hard to distinguish from reality.
      Only Remainder: I was the only one left; there was no one else.
      Soul: But hey... as long as you have yourself...
13. Written Words: My poetry filled my walls around me with such speed. I could write there what no one else needed to see.
      Favourite Book: I felt as though I was just your favourite story to tell all your friends.
      Novel: Haha. My written words consumed so many notebooks.
14. The Other Girl: I wasn't what you wanted in the end.
      Advice: I was always there for whomever came to me for it.
      A Word: I could always make others smile. I always had the right word for it no matter what the scenario was.
15. Myself: We are all we have.
      Me: I realized that you can't rely upon, or depend upon anyone or anything other than yourself. So all I needed was myself.
      An Art: The little things make us who we are, and the big things change us. We are all a different type of a masterpiece. Some more elaborate than others, but all unique to their artist.

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I realize after I've finished writing it, that's it's rather negative. I don't mean to paint myself in such a light. I just didn't necessarily have the best time throughout highschool or even prior. But without the negative things, I know that I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I appreciate every little thing, no matter how detrimental to my health it was. It formed me into me and I wouldn't have it any other way.